I am perfectly aware of the hypocrisy that is my existence, of the difference between my words and my actions, between appearance and reality. I am that overachiever. But I am also that person who professes hatred for the system, the system in which money is God and God is dead.
I’ve never met anybody by whom I felt truly understood and this is understandable. I’m a teenager, therefore being misunderstood is pretty much how I roll (yeah, I just said that). However, though I trivialize the turmoil inside of me as I come to terms with my identity and predetermined role in the world, I know that who I am and who I want to become are completely adverse to one another. I’m a bundle of contradictions and if somebody unwrapped me he would find something he did not like; I can guarantee it.
All of this time no one has ever seen who I am. But some are coming really close. And that scares me. It scares me that someone will find something unforgivable in my past. It scares me that someone will know what I’m thinking when I clench my fists so tightly my knuckles are white and they tremble with suppressed emotion. It scares me that at some point in my life I will have to let someone into my head. I’m afraid of my own head so how will somebody feel when they know how often I’ve sat and wondered at the point of my existence, how often I do cry but turn my head away so that one cannot see my weakness.
No matter how much I pretend not to, I do care about exactly what everybody thinks of me. That is my fatal flaw. Others may display hubris, adacitas, or even libido but my downfall lies in my dependency on other human beings. I try not to seem human most of the time, only because I do not want to admit to myself that I am. The sort of mental vacillation and indecisiveness that I demonstrate is a human quality, an aspect I do not appreciate. Rigorous self-discipline and intense introspection are their only cures, and this is the cause of my interest in the fields of science and philosophy. Some would say that I am too ambitious, but this is solely because they see perfection as something unattainable. My life, with my lofty goals of becoming a neurosurgeon, philosopher, and writer will be dedicated to becoming this ideal. Every particle in my body is attuned towards this ultimate purpose because my mind is all I have. Its betterment through education is my only salvation from dangerous thought of moral decay and the injustice of existence, and I cannot do but my best to understand myself and the world around me. In the tragedies of ancient Greece, those who strove to climb the social ladder and defy the will of the universe fell spectacularly upon reaching the pinnacle. I will not fall.